Delirium, Pit Bull mix, Union Square
i don’t know why i titled this 30 seconds. what is 30 seconds? nothing. maybe because i feel deep inside like such a tiny scared person. i just lost $100 in my pants pocket. fuck. i’m so stupid. i put it in my pocket where i put my phone and take out constantly and it must’ve fallen out and i feel like such a fool because i don’t have $100 to lose.
i feel like shit inside. a giant ball of shit. i’ve lost all sense of proportional reality if i ever did have that i don’t know because i probably didn’t. my damaged parents certainly did a fucking number on me didn’t they and i in turn have done a fuckin number on myself. sweet. i guess that’s the deal isn’t it.
just a lifetime of applejuice and laying in bed watching tv with iv’s in each arm and drugged up so i don’t know what planet i’m on. that’s what inside i fucking aspire to. i just don’t want to feel this inside me anymore and i feel like no matter what i do it is never going away. at least anytime soon. ah you see, a glimmer little sliver of hope. that’s all we have isn’t it?
i’ve basically spent the last 5 days alone, except for very brief times when i had to interact with people. i have come to the realization that despite all my futile attempts to maintain contact i just am not good at it.
i don’t know why really. so many things. so many things. my parents, the lack of money, the lack of self esteem, the deep foreboding of horribleness. i’m so tired and i’m so scared and i’m tired of being scared mostly.
it’s exhausting being in a constant state of worry. i try to find the reason to hang in there and i keep trying to remain hopeful, but as life grinds on and i feel it slipping away i realize that the diminishing hope i feel is really not good.
i need something and someone to help me and help me get okay with who i am. i’m not sure where to look.
god everything is so fucked up. i look around me everywhere and all i see is totally fucked up insanity. the world is insane. and everything is temporal.
i’m preoccupied with death. everyone seems to be dropping like flies. it’s so strange as you get older and experience all these people just gone. and it’s like well, what am I doing here? sometimes I feel so fucking lost. I take xanax and prozac like amazingly well, and sometimes in copious amounts because it’s the only way i can deal with the insanity i find myself surrounded with in this fucking mentally ill world.
everyone consumed with chasing something that is temporal. it isn’t forever folks. the money you make means nothing when you are dead. it’s not going with you anywhere. so while you are here, make the best of things. live instead of just being alive. that is how i’m going out. living. and i’m going to try to live more than just being alive.
I’ve been lazy about keeping up with this even in a short post. I am trying so hard. I am calling upon my angels to help me. please appear and comfort me. today my mom is supposed to be getting a new dog, buddy a male beagle. I’m so happy for her. she’s so alone. and I feel so guilty. I feel terrible about the fact that i’ve not been down to see her. most of which is financial, some is total trepidation and i’m afraid of her. she has a way of just mincing your self esteem down to nothing with a cutting remark. i don’t know that i’m strong enough. inside i am jelly. i am just a mess. i’m falling to pieces. i don’t know what to do anymore. i know this all sounds so tired. i am tired. i am tired of life but i’m so afraid that this is the end. how does one know that this isn’t the end. that i will cease to be in any shape or form. god, please listen to me. i need comfort and help and i need a friend. please bring a friend into my life and angels to help calm me. i’m so angry at the world. i need to just get the fuck out. but with fear so heavy i can’t. i don’t know what to do. i’m stuck. i’m just not sure i’m going to make it even on all the medications i take secretly. i need someone to hear my prayers which is why i put them down here to ask God if you are real and if you are around to please guide and help me through this life. i feel so alone. just plain alone. please be kind to people you have no idea what is going on in them. i have been through so much and suffered a great deal, but i pick myself up and i try so hard to push it all aside. it’s extremely painful. i want to be happy but i have no idea how to be happy.
so please god, hear my prayer. i am begging you for help. i can’t do this alone. please someone hear me and help me and reach out to me. thanks.
its tuesday. i’m here. alive. or half alive. i need to find help somewhere. i can’t do this. i just have had a crushing life. i’m a miracle survivor of all this shit. i don’t know how long i can continue. i’ve taken two xanax this morning to calm my anxiety or i couldn’t get out of bed. i am in the wrong city the wrong job with the wrong people and that feels so shitty. just shit. i just want to sit in the mountains in a cabin and a small one with a nice deck. nothing big with big trees and a river to swim in that gets warm enough to swim in. that’s what i want. i’m so tired of the rat race. and i want to have lots of dogs. i love my dogs so much. they have saved my life. i wouldn’t have made it this long if it wasn’t for them. they are the only reason i don’t just get it over with. i can’t stand this planet and all the fighting and the nasty people and the way they treat each other. kindness is either gone or its phony. i’ve become so cynical about people because they treat each other like shit. and i feel alone.
i’m trapped by my own devices. i set the trap and here I sit. i’m so fucking pissed off. i can’t deal with my anger issue because it’s FUCKING JUSTIFIED. how did this start? how did i end up here? how did i become like this? why do i continue? i don’t even know why the fuck i’m staying on this planet. everyone is disgusting and vile and full of shit. complete nonsense. full of shit. i’m so sick of this shit. i built this shit and i don’t want to fucking be here. i wish i could have the courage to just end this existence. i don’t. i don’t have it in me. fuck. fuck. fuck. i hate people on this planet. they are stupid.
if you haven’t listened to this yet
DO IT NOW!!!!